Live Action Evangelion

"What are you going to do?"

"Activate unit one."

"Activate it? But we have no pilot?"

"Not anymore. Another spare is being delivered."

With that said, this post is about Neon Genesis Evangelion. I am not a huge fan, but it is on my top ten of fantastic anime. As a an author, I can't help but be impressed at the prowess and agility of the creators of this anime series. Seriously. Talk about genius.

Well, there has been lots of talk about a live action Evangelion. Apparently, the company out of New Zealand who did Lord of the Rings is the company that's going to do it. Sorry that I can't remember the name - way too lazy to look it up. I think it's Wingnut pictures, or something like that. Please don't quote me. Anyway, it seems they get 20 times more email regarding Evangelion than they did about LotR. I can't say I'm surprised. Evangelion is amazing and offers things that frankly LotR doesn't offer. I'm probably just crabby. I love LotR, but at the same time, I recognize that LotR doesn't have a lot of profound expressions regarding human nature. Maybe the book does. Remember that I have vowed never to read LotR. The film seems to be more about the creation of a world rather than a expressing the deepest of human emotions. LotR seems to me to be more about a bunch of boys playing outside. Not that that's not great. I was watching it again today and was very impressed, but nothing in LotR inspires me to greatness, or rocks my emotional boat. There are parts in Evangelion that strike really close to home because of the pychological nature of the plotline. Evangelion tears me apart. All the different conflicts in it seem so real and relate to my most painful memories and feelings. It's human nature at its rawest - an extremely powerful story. The reason it's not part of my top five of anime favourites is because it hurts me too much to watch it.

Anyway, they say that Robin Williams is really interested in the project. Apparently, there was an Eva figurine in his movie One Hour Photo that was totally his doing. I'm sort of hoping that he gets the part of Gendo. I think he'd do a good job. If you've ever seen What Dreams may Come, you'll know he is incredibly versitile. I hope he gets that part.

Watch out for spoilers. These are my favourite Evangelion moments:

1. When Misato kisses Shinji. I bawl my friggin' eyes out. It was so incredible.
2. When Asuka realizes the truth about her Eva. That was so good.
3. When Asuka fights the Eva series - HOLY CRAP. There has never been a better fight scene in any movie I have EVER SEEN. Nothing compares.
4. When Shinji sees who's piloting Unit four (I think). Very few times do I think someone is totally justified in losing their bloody mind - this was one of those times. I hate this, but I love it because I totally didn't see it coming.
   
5. When Asuka kisses Shinji.
6. When Karou takes over Unit 2.

Oh, heck - I could go on for awhile. It was so good ... and so terrifying, and so magnificent. It ties me up in knots.

Singing Magic

In case you didn't know it, I am a huge Sarah Mclachlan fan. Well, I'm not the stalker type or anything, but I really love her music.

I have to say that my favourite songs of hers are 'Do What You Have to do' and 'Possession'. When I was first writing songfics, I could hardly see my way through to writing songfics to anything other than her work. I think she's so great!!

I have to say that I used to see her music videos on T.V. when I was a teenager, and I got so sick of 'Angel', I wanted to die. She got so overplayed that I honestly believed that I didn't like her as an artist.

But when I got out of that bubble that is teenagerhood, and past that time where I realized what part of a person's gut angry music comes from. I guess it was my experiences that made me appreciate the beauty of her lyrics and the sweetness of her voice. I have mostly worked stressful jobs in my adulthood, and listening to her while at work really soothed me. Plus, I didn't feel like I was listening to crappy gentle rock that still includes Michael Bolten ... ew. Even if I wasn't paying attention to her lyrics and was instead focussing hard on my job, after listening to her albums over and over again - the words finally reached me - and I found out that I really liked her music and that I was slowly calming down.

It must be amazing to reach a person on that level ... and especially to help relax them when they're drawn tight as a wire strung between venitian blinds. I would like to be able to do that with my writing, but I don't think I've reached that state of continual serenity within myself yet. I'm still angry, angsty, and holding only the energy that a young woman who hasn't quite found the exact path she wants to follow yet. Plus, I write suspense, so there isn't much chance I'll get fluffy any time soon ... still soooo angry.

Yeah, and I still don't like 'Angel' - I always used to skip it.

My Skills as an Artist

Have I mentioned that I love Zelgadis from 'Slayers'. I've probably mentioned it a hundred times. Ah, well - I really love Zelgadis. Unfortunately, this post isn't about that, but instead is about my skills as an artist.

My favourite medium is pencil crayon on heavy weight paper intended for watercolours. That's what this pic was done on. And that's what most of my other art is done on as well.

It's a real shame, but since I became a writer with my whole heart instead of my half heart - my art has suffered ... at lot. It's not that I don't have time anymore, but instead that I have ravaged my wrists and arms to such an extent that drawing something like Zel here is actually painful for me. I remember this being painful for me. Besides, in real life this picture had to be scanned in four portions because the picture is THAT large. I don't have a dinky scanner either. I just draw on pages big enough for good sized paintings and I don't believe in wasting space.

Now, I'd like to talk about photoshop. I both love photoshop and I hate it. Isn't there an Apoptygma Berzerk song called 'Photoshop sucks'? Yep - there is. I just looked on my playlist and there definitely is. This pic sports my photoshop skills. Yeah - this wasn't easy for me either - and it's not even that great, but it was more work than you'd think, even if you're familiar with the pics I scammed. My poor wrists! But seriously - I love Zel and Xel so much that it hurts.

So, since I suck, I only do special request drawings that accompany poetry that I write, and I only do those for special people that I love beyond all reason. Needless to say, I've only done two. It's hard to write meaningful poetry for people!

My favourite online artist is Eugene-chan. She rocks. This is one of her INCREDIBLE pics. The only thing is that she seems to kinda like yaoi ZelxXel. I'm gonna be really honest here and say that guy on guy relationships don't turn me on ... AT ALL. I'm really straight. But that seems to be a more and more popular theme. There doesn't seem to have half as much yuri (girl on girl) stuff out there as yaoi and I've been trying to understand why. I think I finally figured out one of the reasons, though my brain doesn't work this way, so it's hard for me. I think they must get a kick out of guys showing any kind of sensitive emotion - no matter who it's directed at. At least, that's got to be one of the reasons. But, like I said, my brain doesn't work this way. I think it's most beautiful when women are feminine and men are masculine, but I guess that's boring - especially for hardcore artists who are interested in different forms of expression.

Oh well, like I said, I've never been much of an artist. I can hold my own when I need to, but I don't think I understand what truly goes on in an artist's head. I got 100% in art during my last two years in high school though, which I suppose counts for something - if only towards my G.P.A. Most of my stuff is too large to be scanned in on the computer, so I can't exactly show it off, but that might just be an excuse.

I decided to be a writer and I'll stand by it. I'm probably better at it anyway.

My Avitar

So, today I thought I'd talk about my avitar. I never thought it would happen, but I actually sort of want to change it *deep red blush*.

My avitar is from a quiz (and maybe someplace else too that I don't know about) that asks what you're a goddess of. I took this quiz years ago and naturally I was the Goddess of the Moon - no relation to my Escaflowne work. It's just a coincidence. But since Nightfaux picked her avitar, I'm starting to question whether it's really the right thing for me.

When I took on the name Sapphirefly, I sat down with my GIANT art book and drew a whole bunch of little picture to illustrate what a Sapphirefly might look like. There were two that I remember as being abnormally good. One was of a giant pear shaped sapphire (a blue sapphire) with angel wings and the other one was of a little glass bottle filled with blue/green liquid (that was swishing around inside) with butterfly wings. I'm starting to think that maybe I should scan one of them and do it up nice for my avitar. Except ...

Except that I am ALL over the friggin internet and to redo my avitar would almost be as frustrating as changing my penname. Changing my penname at this point would be too stupid. Especially since I'm starting to meet people in real life who have heard of me as Sapphirefly. This might sound incredible, but anyone who pokes around at Escaflowne fanfiction has seen my posts - so it's not that great, but STILL. It' means that I've made a name for myself among fanfiction circles, so I can't change my penname now! And I feel like I can't change my avitar either. THIBBIT! Stupid recognizable icons .... blah ...

Besides, eventually I'd just get tired of my new icon, just like I got tired with the old one, just like I get tired of my penname, just as I get tired of my real name, and so on ... everything's boring!

And the thing that's saddest about all of this is that I just took the quiz again and I'm not even a Goddess of the Moon anymore. I'm a Goddess of Wind.

Just as a side note, you can access the quiz by clicking on Home on my webpage. It's the cutest quiz I've ever taken. ^_^!

One of my Loves

So, back when I was a little squirt (and this was a really really really long time ago). I wasn't in love with the Backstreet Boys like my other little junior high friends - I was in love with Brad Pitt ... and he broke my heart.

I used to have a Brad Pitt poster collection that could have rivaled his headshots. You see, I lived in a small town and so absolutely everyone knew that I loved Brad Pitt and so they used to give me pictures, movies, posters - everything that they happened to have lying around that had his picture on it.

Actually, it was a little humiliating.

But no matter how humiliating it got, I could never find my way to being ashamed over it. Before I loved Brad Pitt, I loved absolutely NOTHING. I don't remember enjoying anything or even having a purpose in life before I loved him. That's sad, eh? Well, I was a very apathetic child - broody and depressing. He doesn't know it, but just by looking the way he does, he inspired writing, encouraged me to find friends, made me smile and reminded me that men couldn't be all bad if they were that good looking to me, and so on.

Well, it's been a long time since my last Brad Pitt poster came off my bedroom wall - a REALLY long time, and I always thought that I would be able to remember my love for him without cringing, but lately ... I don't know.

I don't read tabloids or anything like that, and I never thought I'd get sick of seeing his face, but damn ... it actually happened. I realise that it's probably not his fault (once again - I'm totally clueless to whatever has been going on in his life because I don't support that kind of crap), but man alive! It's so bleeding irritating! Don't people feel ashamed for splattering someone's private life across anything, be it T.V., internet, magazines, or newpapers? I feel ashamed looking at the covers, but when I'm waiting in line for the teller at a convenience store or the grocery story and I see this garbage - not only am I totally disenchanted with the him, but I'm disenchanted with society.

It's not good to lose faith with society (that's how the evilest anime villians are created - LOL).

Well, the media and society (because someone must buy those magazines) managed to kill my love for someone I admired. So - I hope you're happy LOSERS!

____________________________________________________________________

Author's notes: I just wanted to have a place to say how strong I am as a person now that I don't need shiny lights or shiny men to make me feel happy anymore. I have my own spark of divine fire that keeps me moving. It's one of the perks of adulthood.

Rapunzel

I had another blog in mind when I was writing my last two, and this is the one. BTW - this is a fanart pic of Aries from FFVII as Rapunzel. It was by far the coolest thing I could get ahold of for this post.

So, I said that I was going to talk about Rapunzel, which naturally means that I'm going to talk about women's liberation. Naturally.

I am a big fan of 'girl power'. A big fan of a woman seeing that something needs to be done and girding up her lions and getting it done. I like to think that a woman can do everything, but the older I get and the more responsibilities I take on, the more I realize that this is a fairytale ... and an extremely unrealistic one at that. I have come to realize that if I were to be able to do everything, then I would have to live as a bachelorette because that's the only way I can see my way through to accomplishing everything. If I lived that way than there would be a lot less to do.

So, can I be the liberated woman who does it all? The one who has managed to balance career, kids, volunteer projects, love, money, property, cars, food (this is a bigger one that few people acknowledge as a struggle), laundry, and the literally one million other things that life demand, on my own? And manage to maintain appearances and have time for myself as well?

No way in Hell!

It's in extremely bad taste for a liberated woman to say, "I need a man." She'd get thrown out of the club. Saying something like that means that she's not liberated at all. Instead, it means that she's tied down to something (usually a man who will somehow try to dominate and control her ... at least that's what I've understood about it). Well, I don't just need a man, but I need a man with broad shoulders and a strong back, someone who's good with numbers and can think on his feet. In short, I need a partner in this endeavor called life if I'm going to live past thirty, otherwise I might be digging myself an early grave. But I personally like to think of this thing as a partnership where I take care of one half if he'll take care of the other half.

Now I want to talk about the story to Rapunzel and how she plays a part in all of this. Okay, so Rapunzel is up in her tower looking out at the landscape. She lives alone, but she's safe. There's nothing to fight for, and there's nothing meaningful to do up there in the tower. There are no men or woman there to love - there is only herself. Can you imagine how much time she probably spent grooming? Since her hair was so fantastic, she probably spent a lot of time making that part of her shiny and pretty. So, there she is when the Prince rides up on his stallion, and just for the fun of fantasy - let's picture him as hot as they come and absolutely mouthwatering (though it doesn't contribute to the point of the story one way or the other). He yells up to her "Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your golden hair!" Now, this is a big choice for our herione. She can either drop her lushious locks down and let the Prince into her life or she can yell back, "Not on your life Buddy! I just gave myself a hot oil treatment!" But, if she lets the Prince climb her hair, it's going to hurt like hell. Her beauty will be left in tatters and her scalp will probably bleed (if he doesn't break her neck).

This is a decision that all women have to make and most women these days don't want to make that decision. Would you really choose to let a man rip you to shreds? Because in reality - that is exactly what he is going to do. So, Rapunzel can either live life all safe and self-centered in the tower, or she can open herself up to pain - cause that's what's going to happen. However, I must point out that it's not the man's fault that a woman suffers (I could easily fill a page of womanly troubles that men aren't bothered with because they don't bear children, but I'll leave it to your imagination). He has to climb her hair - it's his only choice, so he can't help hurting her. He doesn't want to hurt her, but he wants to be with her. (I'm also assuming here that the man really is a Prince).

I think it's okay to admit that I can't do everything, but if I have someone with me (a prince) then I'll only have to do half, and I can do half. I believe that this is the best way for life to work. This isn't a popular concept where I come from, but even so, I feel like this is the best way to walk through life. That's why it's so sad when the Prince sometimes turns out to be a dick.

Dear Diary

Whenever I think of these words the mental image that comes to mind is always a beautiful young woman sitting at a desk (the desk has a beautiful cherrywood finish) writing in a beautiful little book (the book is pink with the words 'My Diary' written across the front and she has a silky black ribbon to tie it). She's wearing lovely silver jewelry on her wrists and fingers as she lovingly writes all her secrets down in with a long graceful silver pen. She has perfect penmanship and a little cannester of stickers to grace different pages so that each page is a creation all on it's own.

Yep - that's what I think of. I was looking for an image that properly described my mental image, but nothing came to mind. But I love pens, so I decided to go for broke on that illustration instead.

I have been an avid journal writer since I was 13. I didn't sit down and write once a day or once a week, but I wrote in my journal when something interesting happened to me, or I needed to vent. Going through my journals when I was a teenager is a hoot, but I never came close to achieving my mental image of what I thought perfect journal writing is. Oh, did I mention that the girl's hair is perfectly straight and it probably takes her 20 minutes to straighten it before she can sit down to write in her journal? Probably not. Anyway - even thought that was my dream - it's too late. I'm not a teenager anymore and even when I was - that was NOT me. This was me:

No desk - I was lying on my bed. At least it was made. For the most part, my diary was a notebook you can buy in University Book stores because that's what my dad had to give me when I wanted to write. At least it didn't have a coil and was bound properly, but believe you me - it was perfectly plain. No ribbon around it - and the jewerly I used to wear as a teenager used to bother even me - so unstylish. I mostly just wore a wristwatch that I hated. I wore it because I'm the compulsive type that can't stand to not know what time it is. As for the pen - it was bic ballpoint. When I was a teenager and had complete control over my room, I could randomly reach my hand out and fumble around for a second and find a pen. Seriously - I had them between my mattress and the boxspring, on the floor, on my bedside tables, on the dresser, in my armchair, on the shelves, in my clothes, holding up my hair - everywhere. That's how bad I had the writing bug. And my hands weren't beautiful - bic ball point pens smear and I'd get pen marks all over my hands - I was a mess. As for my penmanship - it's more like my dad's than my mom's, if that says anything. I've worked very hard to make it pretty, and have finally got it to a point where I could write someone a memo at work without feeling ashamed. As for the cannister full of stickers - I started using stickers instead of whiteout once I became an adult - weird eh? I keep them in the blue foot (sometime I'll have to write an entire post dedicated to the weirdest object I or anyone else has EVER owned).

And lastly - I don't have any secrets anymore. I keep a journal, but I don't have any secret thoughts that have to be kept hidden anymore. However, my teenage self has some secrets that probably shouldn't be let out of the bag. So, here's the important question:

Would you want someone to read your journal?

I think about this all the time and whether or not I would want someone to find it and read it. Would it be a good reflection of me and the kind of person I am? I'm sure it would be okay for someone to read it after I'm dead or even after life doesn't matter anymore, but I don't think it would teach them about me at all. I said that I only write in my journal when something happens or I needed to rant. What about all the quiet moments when I rest, and do small things that really make a difference? I don't write about them - they aren't interesting to me.

In my religion it's very important for you to write your personal history - everyone does it - writers and non-writers alike. I think about how I would write about my life. Would I just write the important events, or would I write about the internal growth that changed me and made me the person I am? Of course internal growth is private - or at least, it feels private. To expose the truth about why I did something a certain way is obviously embarrassing, but at the same time - your story is supposed to help guide your children and your grandchildren through life. If you don't tell them how you really grew up in your heart and in your head - will they even feel like they know you?

So, if it helped them - would you expose yourself to public scrutiny?

That's my difficult question.

On a different topic - my dear friend Nightfaux has gotten herself a blog. There's a link to it on the sidebar as well as one for algelic and Jomiel. Just as a side note, I want to tell everyone that I named her. She asked me to help her come up with a screen name, and that's the one I picked. I love her - she's my darling.

Moving my Can

Okay, so if you think of me as Oscar the Grouch (and it's really not such a far-fetched description), I have been moving my can away from Sesame Street to a different corner of the world. Unfortunately, I haven't moved away from a place where I cannot be touched by old problems. Actually, old problems have sort of been accentuated by my moving - or at least by people talking about my moving.

Anyway, this is a post where I am going to mush all my excess, random thoughts into one blog post, because this is the first day I've had internet access in a little under a week. I know - I'm going though withdrawl.

I have been working on 'Mark of a Goddess'. I haven't had much time for it, but I've been working on it when I have had the chance. I said that I wanted to rediscover why I write. Yeah - I remember. I write because of a need for personal expression. I have a lot of good stories of things that have actually happened to me in my life and my writing is a good way to unleash them on a public. The way DM, MW and MoaG are now - they mostly comprise a great deal of my own personal experiences and thoughts. Even though the readership might not be giving me all I deserve (review wise) - or they might be giving me much more than I deserve (review wise) ... I still can't bring myself to think of this from the perspectives I've had hollered at me. I feel like everyone who's bitten my head off over my break has done so thinking from the standpoint of a reader instead of the standpoint of a writer. I find this rather distressing of course, because I would rather have the sympathy of the person who knows what it is to be creatively drained and ticked off because of poor feedback. Well, I haven't had my head bitten off much - I ought not to complain. Right now, since my internet has been down - I have been dying for some sort of expression that hasn't been possible - even through my blog for several days. I feel like I need to stop being such a DAMN BABY and get on with it. I'm going to send my beta reader Kaytala chapter six of MoaG tonight (because I made drastic changes to it and she needs to rebeta it). As soon as she's got it back to me - I'm posting. I've had enough of this crap.

Well, I'm out of steam already. I should have known that would happen. My creative juices mostly got used up coming out of hyperspace. Besides, I've got a women's lib rant and an important question coming up in later posts. Maybe they'll be worth visiting this (my grave site) now that I've been gone for awhile.